Use It Or Lose It

Use It Or Lose It

Did you know, your clitoris shrinks from lack of use!

What is clitoral atrophy? 

The clitoris is a nub of spongy tissue at the front of the vagina. Recent research reveals that much of the clitoris is internal, having 4-inch roots that reach into the vagina. When sexually aroused it fills with blood, and the bundle of nerves in the tissue becomes sensitive to touch.Clitoral atrophy occurs when the clitoris stops responding to sexual arousal and no longer functions as it should. The clitoris can even disappear. This may be the result of a change in hormones or inadequate blood flow to the vagina and clitoris.

The Dilemma…

So I recall someone who hasn’t had sex in 3 years, 6 months, 13 days, and 8hrs 32 minutes, not that she’s counting. What’s a girl to do? I wasn’t planning on not having sex this long but shit happens, time passes, and now my clit may disappear?! Alright, sexual activities have been lacking. Maybe every two hot girl summers or so but time passes, almost 4 years, I am not as free as I once was, and I’m unsure if it is age or just lack of interest. Nothing like starting over to kill your sex drive, but that’s for another time lol.

The Do-Over.

The Do-Over.

What would you do, If you could do it again?

When you hear that, I bet you think of redoing your childhood, teenage years, relationships etc. But what if it was from this exact point in your life? With everything taken from you; career, friends, family and everything you know to be familiar.

So let me rephrase that; who would you become if you lost it all? But here is the twist, you’re in a new country and you do not speak the language. What would you do? I know the uplifting thing to say is that you will pull your britches up and get to learn your new residence, immerse yourself in the culture, and all that jazz…

But here is the reality of it; You become depressed, cry unexpectedly, gain employment just to end up having a meltdown in your new bosses office, yelling through tears and snot that you don’t want to be in this fucking place and you want to go back home! You miss your kids, mother, and the familiarity of the palm trees. Then end up quitting due to embarrassment. What a fun day that was.

So now what?

The first step is to recognize that you need time to mourn, to grieve for your past life. But most of all decided to recognize and accept the blessing and the opportunity to do it again. The best part is; now your old enough to do it the right way because of age and all the lessons life has thought you.

There are no mistakes in life and no coincidences, I strongly believe that life prepares you for every lesson has led up to a big change. I remember in 2016 I was sitting with a friend and I said: “I feel like I am waiting for something, but I don’t know what it is.” Huh, if you guys only knew how that worked out. #seriescomingsoon

What In The Cluster Fuck!

What In The Cluster Fuck!

Recently I experienced one of the worst pain in my life, dare I say worst than childbirth! If you have never heard of Cluster Headaches, allow me to be your introduction.

Uhhh, this post could actually be written a few times with a few different titles…”How my 21-day juice fast went horribly wrong” “I think my brain is trying to kill me” “WebMD said, I’m Dead” and many more.

I guess we can start with the obvious one, “Why I think Dora, is problematic.” someone had to say it! No really, why has she not been taken away, her parents give 0 fucks,ijs. Anyhow, I decided one random day that I wanted to juice fast. I was feeling sluggish, unmotivated, sleeping too much, and eating with no movement. So I figured a great way to reset is with a juice fast, what could go wrong.

I started by watching Fat Sick and Nearly Dead for the million times and convinced myself I can do it! Made a planish… and pretended I knew what I was doing.

The Plan

Fri-Sun-Celery Juice, Water w/chia, Nuts, Tea no sugar
Mon-Fri-Combo Juices, Water w/chia, Nuts, Tea no sugar
and repeat for 21 days.

I was basically fasting from coffee, carbs, and sugar. No solids only juicing fruit and veggies (I am veganish) so it wasn’t a problem. I thought my biggest hurdle would be the coffee because I have never tried to stop drinking coffee since I started at 16yrs. But that was not the case.

I won’t take you through the pain but I lasted 8 days, lost 10.2lbs, and became very constipated. On day 7, I started feeling pain at the base of my skull and didn’t think too much of it, the next day the pain was much more intense and I found I could not turn my head left or right, so I assumed I must have a pinched nerve in my neck and began to treat it as such, neck rubs, hot/cold compress, ice packs the works, by day 9 the pain is getting progressively worse, I reached out to my mom for advice and this is where shit gets crazy.

Day 10.
By day 10, Amazon is getting all my money, I have ordered an inflatable neck brace, a poster corrector, pain patched for your neck, cooling patched for your shoulders, heating blanket with flaps, Advil, acetaminophen, nothing was working. So why have I not gone to the hospital, because I was scared! no need to lie, all kinds of stuff were running through my head, plus you have COVID and they make it seem as if soon as you step into a hospital you will become infected, so why would I willing take myself there? So I suffered, like a damn idiot.

My mom advised me to get in the shower and let hit water run on my neck and use the soap to help stretch it out, okay. Then let hot water run as hot as you can take it and inhale it up to your nose and blow it out, not oaky. Ma’am, why. No, I am not doing that. then she tells me her mother passed from a brain aneurysm, like WHY, why would you tell me that?!


Occipital neuralgia can cause intense pain that feels like a sharp, jabbing, electric shock in the back of the head and neck. Other symptoms include: Aching, burning, and throbbing pain that typically starts at the base of the head and goes to the scalp. Painon one or both sides of the head.Jul 23, 2020

Spine Health
Cervicogenic headache (CGH) is characterized by a dull, non-throbbing pain that radiates from the neck to back of the head. The pain may spread along the scalp and affect the forehead, temple, and area around the eye and/or ear.

Mayo Clinic
Cluster headaches usually occur in cyclical patterns called cluster periods . Possible symptoms include severe pain in or around one eye or on one side of your head. There may be tearing, nasal stuffiness and a runny nostril on the affected side of the head.Jun 4, 2019

Postconcussion syndrome

Persistent post-concussive symptoms, also called postconcussion syndrome, occurs when concussion symptoms last beyond the expected recovery period afterthe initial injury. The usual recovery period is weeks to months. These symptoms may include headachesdizziness, and problems with concentration and memory.Oct 6, 2020


A sudden, severe headache is the key symptom of a ruptured aneurysm. This headache is often described as the “worst headache” ever experienced. Common signs and symptoms of a ruptured aneurysm include: Sudden, extremely severe headache.

Cervicogenic headaches
Typically, people who have cervicogenic headaches experience a headacheaccompanied by neck pain and stiffness. Certain neck movements can provoke cervicogenic headaches. In most cases, cervicogenic headaches develop on one side of the head, starting from the back of the head and neck and radiating toward the front.Jan 7, 2019

Day 11.

Talk about information overload, by now I have had a virtual appointment and put on strong migraine medication, and instead of feeling relief 2 things happened, first of all, the pain didn’t stop, it just got rid of the pounding, but that pain inside and underneath my skull, the one that made me feel like I was going birth through my head, feeling like my head is in a vice grip while being inflated like a balloon, that feeling was still there, so of course I must be dying. That only confirmed it. Because why didn’t the mediation help, but still I was reluctant to go to the hospital, I only needed to hold out a few days before I can go see the doctor, I can hold out.

Searching For?

Searching For?

I have never felt like an adult. When I see women my age now aI get intimidated because I don’t feel like them.

As an adult woman, you get hit with so many images of what you should be, what you should look like, and how many things you should have accomplished. Those marks always seemed unimportant to me. Never had an interest in working all my life, to pay for a building you never really own, to buy a bunch of stuff to make someone else richer.

Now, I do have a bad habit of emotional shopping but we can discuss that later.The idea of the white picket fence and a husband with a dog…not my thing. So what is my thing? what do I want exactly? Or better yet, what should I want?

I have to figure this shit out. Constantly searching for happiness can make you actually feel lower. I have come to realize that I have been stuck in a depressive cycle since 2007 with brief moments of happiness. Throwing things to the wall and seeing what sticks, and getting no results. The “happiness” feeling doesn’t last.

I cannot find a definition of what I am feeling or experiencing. There is nothing to compare it to as this is a new chapter of life. I should be living, and not becoming a hermit as I get older. You discover so much of yourself when your alone with yourself. I want to be happy but I don’t know what happiness is. I know pain, suffering, rejection, shame, and self-hate. I have gotten so familiar with it, we became an abusive couple with only me in the relationship.

Many nights were spent cuddling with suffering, making it my home. It has protected me in a world that made me its victim. (How dramatic was that?!)

So what am I going to hold on to now that I have no reason to be afraid, scared, ashamed, and all the paranoia of fabricated judgment? I’m still searching for me.